I just did, the scariest, most exciting, nerve-racking, and encouraging thing that scares me to death, but, I know, it’s for my greater good! I bought, a gym membership. It cost me a small fortune (really my entire life’s savings), but, I have hated my body for too long. It has been a constant negative thing for me, “I’m too fat to do that”, “no one would want to look at someone so fat and ugly”, “my only good features are ruined by my fat”, “who would want to date someone so gross and out of shape”, are all thing I have thought, and said about myself. I, by no means, think my life will be rainbows and butterflies if I lose weight, but at least I’m trying. I’m trying to be happy, I’m trying to love my body, I’m trying to feel beautiful, and I’m not going to give up.
I work as a make up artist and strive to a part of the fashion world, but even though I have a passion for fashion, I find myself shying away from it, when applying it to my own wardrobe. I wear boring, plain, and not always flattering clothing. I feel embarrassed when I look in the mirror sometimes. Through my clothing and style, I want to exude my quirkyness, show I have class and maturity with also being cute and flirty. I want to be able to go into any store, and find the perfect top, without having to shuffle all the way to the back, in hopes they’ll have a size that will fit me. Just like the world was not made for left handers, it was also not made for fat girls wanting to be stylish, and although I can’t change being left handed I can try to fit the clothing I love.
So just hours ago I signed my band account away, okay so I might be a little dramatic but $1,500-ish is a lot to me. Luckily it was divided and so I can rally up the other half after christmas. Honestly, I’ve never done this before, so it’s quite possible that I’ve been swindled, but if it helps me get healthy then I don’t even care. I know it’s a lot (this blog post will also be a little bit of me convincing myself I made the right decision) but the amount is for 2 years as well as 11 personal training sessions.
As scared and nervous as I am to be evaluated and assessed by someone, especially on a fitness level, I also am excited. I never have really known how to properly work out. I have hyper-extension of my ligaments which means that sometimes my joints pop out from theirs sockets. This can be extremely painful and uncomfortable, and with my trouble areas being my hip, knee, ankle and back, I find it hard finding a work out, that will help push me, but not leave me in the wrong kind of pain.
Tomorrow I have my first session with my personal trainer, and I’m excited to start on my journey, to lose weight and fit!